Archive | February, 2012

Ten Ways to Avoid Being Popped The Question

29 Feb

So you’ve been seeing your girlfriend for a while and things are getting pretty serious. You love her, but just aren’t sure that she’s the one. After managing to get by another Christmas, New Year and Valentine’s Day without having to pop the question, you approach the day every man dreads the most: The Leap Day. Yes, that’s right, this year, on 29th of February 2012, women everywhere will be building up the courage to ask the very question you have managed to avoid. So how can you stop this in its tracks? Since there hasn’t  been a time machine invented to take you back to the 50s where this sort of stuff just didn’t go down, I’m afraid you’re just gonna have to be a little more underhand.

To combat this day of role reversal, here are 10 easy steps you can put into place to avoid being popped the question.

1. Take a trip out of town

 An overnight trip on the dreaded day is a sure-fire way to avoid your fate. After all, you can’t be proposed to if you’re simply not around. If it needs to be more believeable take a week off work. Hell-just go mad and take an extended holiday. By the time you return home, the very small window of opportunity will have closed and you’ll be back on the steady path to long-term living.

 

 2. Buy her a very expensive piece of jewellery

Now your girl may not look like Marilyn, but diamonds are still most likely to be her best friend (not that cow Jane who always hated you). Making a big gesture by buying your woman jewellery is sure to work in your favour. The more expensive it is, the more it will hint at the fact that although you can afford an engagement ring, you just aren’t ready yet. And at the very least, the sparkle should dazzle her enough to make her temporarily forget!

 

3. Delete old school friends off Facebook that are getting hitched.

There are some things in life you just wish there was a dislike button for, nothing more so than old facebook friends on their wedding day. If you are trying to avoid tying the knot, the last thing that you need is pictures of couples on their big day constantly popping up on your news feed. These friends, therefore, should be deleted without question. After all, you can easily make new ones…and you wouldn’t want her getting any funny ideas would you?

 

4. Buy her a puppy

 Nothing says “I love you” more than a cute puppy. Opt for a pedigree and it will take away as much money as possible from whatever wedding fund she already has mounting in her head. Added to this, the increased responsibility of owning a dog will make her realise just how difficult and restrictive serious adult life is.

 

5. Tell her that you insist on being married in a powder blue tux

 We all know the 70s powder blue tuxedo is actually really cool. After all, if it worked for Jim from American Pie,  it could work for you. However, unless your girlfriend is really cool too, this will almost certainly be her worst nightmare. Throw in a pair of trainers and a cane and she’ll be sure not to mention marriage for another 4 years.

 

6. Tell her you promised your mother she could name your first child

There’s nothing more off- putting to a woman than the thought of marrying into a demanding and claustrophobic family. And this no less terrifying when the dreaded bossy mother-in-law is added to the mix.  Of course, mentioning that your mother wishes to name your first daughter after her great aunt Fanny can’t hurt either. Don’t worry kid-we’d cry too if our name was another word for a woman’s genitalia.

 

7.  Mention everyone you know who has had a divorce

There’s no better way of planting the seed of doubt than recounting numerous tales of those who have tried, and most importantly, failed at marriage. Prince Charles and Diana, Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, Katy Perry and Russell Brand…it shouldn’t be hard to find material. Even better still, keep it to close mutual friends. Lament over how perfect Nick and Kate were before they married. If this doesn’t hammer the message home, who knows what will?

 

8. Do not allow her to  kneel or bend down

Do not under any circumstances allow your girlfriend to be in the kneeling position during this risky period of time. If she drops a piece of paper or her pen, pick it up. When she decides to do the weekly hoovering, ensure that you are nowhere in sight. Even if it means you must forgo your favourite sexual favour for a few days, it is most definitely worth it.

 

9. Change your name by Deed Poll

Okay, so women don’t actually have to take their husbands names anymore. However, if nothing else has dissuaded her thus far, then desperate times call for desperate measures. Insist that any woman you marry must take your name. If this hasn’t turned her off already-then change it to something that will-and fast!

 

10. Come clean

 If all else fails you could always just come clean. If your girlfriend is pressurising you way too much about marriage, she needs to know that you are just not ready. Most women would probably understand, but if she doesn’t, it was time for a change anyway…

 

Oscar 2012 Red Carpet Conundrums

27 Feb

As I find myself trawling the internet to fill a certain green book that you may or may not be well acquainted with… I stumble across the 2012 Oscars Red Carpet Live on Sky Living.

Although there’s usually nothing more inane than watching second- rate presenters in a studio watching first-rate presenters in the field interview actual stars on the red carpet, there’s little else I could be doing in the wee hours. Plus, this year the second rate presenter is Alex Zane and unfortunately after ten years, I still can’t seem to shake off my school-girl crush on him.

Now we all know that apart from car crash acceptance speeches, there is very little to the Oscars but the gowns. Whilst it’s always pretty easy to divide the fashion victors from the victims, here’s a look at some that may split a few hairs:

Jennifer Lopez

JLO we get it. You have a hot body. But any more of this shameless drawing attention to it and we may just have to yawn. Though this outfit isn’t a complete joke, the stripy baco-foil look along with cut away arms just makes it slightly cheap. And really it’s a shame because if it was done in a more sumptuous colour it may have looked all art deco and stuff. And we know how popular the 20s are these days. Most girls will look at this and think,”Wow I’m jealous and want to look like her” rather than realising just how lazy this is. I know what dear old Jenny was trying to do here, but unfortunately it’s a been done a few too many times before. She’s got a stunning face and shows it off with a her customary top-knot bun, but unfortunately she’s stuck too close to her usual tactics and made us more aware than ever that she’s just a pear shape masquerading as an hour glass.

Gwyneth Paltrow

So Hollywood superstar turned yummy mummy Gwyneth Paltrow finally keeps her legs under-wraps in a bid to look more elegant and lady-like. Unfortunately she slightly missed the mark in this Tom Ford number with floor-length matching cape. Gwyneth we know you live in London where it’s always safer to go out in a jacket, but this is Hollywood! Some may say it looks ultra-chic and daring, but personally I think it’s a statement made to mask the fact that she’s wearing a pretty boring dress. Team that with a dye-job that’s slightly too close in colour to her face and way too much fake tan and we have a slight problem. Most people will say she looks statuesque but I still think she could do with gaining a few pounds again…and looking slightly less like a new-age super hero.

Emma Stone

Emma Stone is one of the hottest red-heads to come of 2012, so what does she do? Wear this apparently ‘fuchsia’ dress by Giambattista Valli. Yes, the gown is floor length. Yes it in a bold colour. But is it for Miss Stone? Definitely not. The shade is far too close to some of the undertones that can be found in her skin colouring, plus it does nothing to make her own red hair pop. And then there’s the bow. The bow around her neck could have been forgiven if it was slightly smaller or tied at the back. But instead it just throws the rather cheap looking dress off-centre whilst making her neck appear non-existent! Tyra always says you gotta give neck. Here I’m afraid she just isn’t giving much of anything. This isn’t a complete frock shock, but considering this is her year to shine, she really could have done so much better.

And finally… whilst I know the point of this post wasn’t to point out the glaringly obvious, I’m afraid I’m going to have to mention the belle of the ball:

Michelle Williams

Enough said.

Right that’s three hours of my life I’ll never get back, but it sure beat filling a green book!